June 1/14

The Poitras-Normandin household was a little under the weather today (Wine Flu), but in the wee small hours of the morning, as we were settling into bed, I had promised Etienne I would go get him a gluten-free apple turnover from his local GF-deli, so I dutifully showered and went to get it.  That relatively early shower meant I was ready to go out and enjoy the beautiful weather today.  Etienne was less fortunate, opting to stay in and recover.

In the late afternoon, I went up to the rooftop patio with a book, and despite the breeze playing havoc with my hair, I got to enjoy about an hour of sun and shallow introspection.  At times I read (about a British diplomat's impressions of Libya in the 70's...yeah, who knows how to relax?  This girl, right here!), at other times I just looked at the skyline around our neighbourhood and considered what to do about my Ottawa problem.

As you know if you've been following along, I'm not enjoying my time here.  There have been many changes since the last time I blogged, some for the better, but nothing overall that has made me turn the corner on my relationship to this place.  If you'll recall, early this year, Etienne and I were competing in a process to move to the next level, and we were both successful.  He was fortunate that his current group worked out a solution to keep him on, but I had to make the big change.  So on May 23rd, I said goodbye to my job and my colleagues there, I took two weeks vacation, and on June 9th, I should be starting my new job in a new branch (same department) with a team that works on issues I am eager to take on.  There is already a lot of optimism about my appointment, and I hope I am up to the challenge of meeting expectations.

So, the change up in my career is a positive development that should distract me for a while, and it couldn't come at a better time, because I've recently be subjected to external reminders that when I'm unhappy, I'm such an asshole.  I don't like who I'm becoming here in Ottawa.  I'm tired of the cynicism and politicking, and I'm tired of seeing good people compromise their values so consistently that you start to question your own.  I have heard of instances of gaslighting people's careers, throwing colleagues under the bus, and while I know this happens everywhere, I'm just mindfucked by the scale of it here.  This constant feeling of frustration has made me over into a mean girl.  I know myself too well.  If you think I'm an asshole now, after only four years, can you imagine how bad it would get after 14 years or 24 years?  Yeah.  That.

All this from being on the roof, staring at the complexes of buildings in Gatineau.  Next time, I need more fluffy reading material.

To big changes...

...Wish you were here.